A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
