Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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