im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
