giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
