fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
