I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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