Dual....:-)
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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