its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
