My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He felt like a one man threesome
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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