I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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