I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
