Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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