My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
