Plan B is the new Plan A
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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