there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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