paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
