I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I love having hate sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
