I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
