I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
