If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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