I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
