I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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