dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
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I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
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I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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