In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
