my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
