We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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