Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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