I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
