There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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