Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
