dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
