Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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