Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
