Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
