Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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