8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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