Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
