so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
