mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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