Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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