I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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