It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
