we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Dear god my vagina.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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