I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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