walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My bed smells like the plague
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