for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
