God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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