"it" just moved
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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