it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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