It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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