I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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