By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
