i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
