I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg