if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Acid is not a monday night drug
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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