im drinking this country out of the recession.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.