Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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