Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
