You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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