a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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