dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
