This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
