I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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