why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
