Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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