I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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