god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
