my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My balls are so social today.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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