Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
