u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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