Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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